A Reflection on Psalm 51

I have no greater need than that my sins be forgiven. I could be deprived of everything else I need and still live in hope that God will provide for me. But if my sins are not forgiven, I am lost.

Some say they are without sin. Some even say there is no sin. But my sins are always upon me, weighing me down with a heavy burden of guilt and shame. The righteous may be confident in their virtue, and the learned may be certain in their knowledge, but I am fearful before the Lord because of my many sins. Others may carry themselves with confidence, but I bow before the judgment of the Lord. The fool may say there is no God, but I know I am ever under the gaze of the God of justice, and I have reason to fear his judgment. I am so filled with fear and shame that I cannot raise my eyes to look upon his face. I admit with the Psalmist:

God sees to the very depth of my soul. My every secret thought, whispered word, and furtive act is known to him. It is futile to come before him with counsel or defense to argue my cause or plead my circumstances. He knows already not only my overt acts but also my hidden motives. He calls a multitude of witnesses to testify against me: all those I have hurt with my harsh words, those I have shunned in my coldness of heart, those I have slandered, those I have cheated by misdeed or omission. He calls those against whom I have screamed in anger or seethed in resentment. He calls those who heard untruth or half-truth from my mouth when what was needed was the whole truth. He calls too witnesses against my most secret sins, those against whom I have sinned in my heart because of lust and greed. I have no defense against these witnesses. Everything they say is true. I am guilty.

I stand before the judgment seat of God to hear what punishment my sins deserve. I cannot dispute a verdict that would punish me according to my offenses. I myself seek an eye for an eye when wrong is done to me. For my harsh and biting words that have hurt so many, I deserve to hear stern words of eternal condemnation from the Judge of heaven and earth. For turning my back on so many who looked to me in their human need, I deserve that the Lord God turn his face away from me and deprive me forever of the vision of his glory and love. For my outbursts of anger, I deserve the thunderous wrath of God. For seeking comfort in human pleasures rather than in the love of the Creator, I deserve to suffer the pain of eternal deprivation in the fires of hell. For slander and lies, for dishonesty in word and conduct, I deserve that the Just Judge exact a penalty commensurate with each offense, the sum of which would reach into eternity. Just as in my sinful condition I would expect such recompense for offenses against me, I must bow before this judgment of a Just God. It is no more that I deserve.

But I cannot bear to think of being deprived of the love of God for all eternity. Even now my shame for the wrongs I have done is itself the beginning of punishment. The burden of my sins weighs heavily upon me. How hard it is to speak openly with those whom I have hurt with my words, to endure the looks of those whom I have wronged by my deeds. I know that my sins, even when done in secret, leave stains upon me. I cannot hide from others all that I have done and what my sins have made of me. And least of all can I hide any of it from God.

I am left with nothing but to plead for mercy. I ask that I not be treated as my sins deserve, but that I be forgiven. I ask to be washed clean of the stains of my sins. With deep remorse and a repentant spirit I pray:

I need God's mercy more than anything in this world. Without it I would have nothing to live for. I would be completely without hope. I cannot lessen the gravity of my sins nor remove their consequences. The harm I have done to others is slow to heal, and what my sins have made of me seems irreparable. All I have left is my prayer for mercy. It is my only hope.


Read Psalm 51.